Too Blind to Notice
by MirrorDede
Summary: Gilbert angst angst angst and more angst...the poor guy is so full of guilt, jealousy and tears he can barely even smoke his cigarette.


**Summary:** Gilbert angst angst and more angst…the poor guy is so full of guilt, jealousy and tears he can barely even smoke his cigarette.

**Rating: **G

**Words: **954

**Writer's Note:** Chapter 53 spoilers, sort of. This came from a kink meme prompt. See the afterword for details.

"I can't believe it. You're really blind now?" Gilbert said to Break. "I've known you ten years…how could you neglect to tell me such an important thing?"

Break looked at Gil, and tried to smile, but his lower lip quivered a bit and his eyes shone with the sadness he was trying to repress.

"Gilbert," he said, voice wavering slightly. "I can't believe you've known me ten years…and _you couldn't figure out for yourself _that I became blind. Even Oz, who hasn't known me long at all, figured it out without my having to tell him." Break stood up and walked toward the door. "Excuse me, I'm going out…"

"Break!" Gilbert called, but the white-haired man was gone. That man - who for him had been a source of frustration, annoyance, cruelty, support, kindness, and even piggyback rides when he was younger – was gone and not responding to his call.

_Crap_, Gilbert thought. _Break almost looked like he was going to cry or something when he left._ He put his hands up to his head and leaned back on the sofa. _How could I upset him so badly…with just…what the heck did I do? I didn't notice that he's blind…Liam figured it out…Oz figured it out. I was…where was I? Why didn't I notice?_

Gilbert thought back to the day when Break had first awoken after Sablier. _I was pouring tea…I was standing next to Oz. I was paying attention to what Oz was eating and drinking; I wanted to make sure he got enough. _Gilbert vaguely recalled that Break had been in bed and had shoed them out the door rather hastily. _I should have noticed something was odd about him_.

He ran his fingers through his hair, and massaged his scalp, partly to try to ease the headache that was coming on, and partly to try to reassure himself that he wasn't as dense as Break seemed to think he was. _I was just being Oz's valet, doing my job. I can't serve two masters, but…ugh! Break has helped me so much over the years…I never would have gotten Raven if he hadn't pushed me in that direction. Sure he's harassed me plenty, too, but…still… _

He got up from the sofa and started pacing the room. He thought back to the time when Break had saved him from Zai and Gryphon, back in Sablier. _He saved me. Then he listened to what I was going through, what I was saying. He took me seriously, when no one else had. Then he told me to kill him…he trusted me…that I wouldn't actually pull the trigger. He trusted me! Just like Oz did when I was under Doldum's control._

He fumbled for a cigarette, lit up and put it in his mouth for a short drag. His smoking was almost always hasty like that; he wasn't one to savor a cigarette, especially when he was in a frame of mind like this one. _Break and Oz…they're similar in a way. Both really smart, but not much interested in sharing what's on really on their mind. How did I not notice this before? _

Gilbert thought back to all the times Break had smiled warmly at him, gently touched his hair, offered him candy... _I just thought he was a creeper, but maybe…_Gilbert's shoulders started to shake as his body was racked with sudden sobbing. _He really is a ray of light sometimes, kind of like Oz. He's got his dark, sadistic side, but Oz does, too._

Tears sprang from his eyes and rolled down his cheeks, and his breathing came in short bursts of hiccupping and sobbing. He tried to take a drag from his cigarette but he couldn't get his lips to close around it. He stumbled into the bathroom, doused his cigarette in the washbasin, and looked at himself in the mirror. Looking into his wet eyes, he saw the child he once was…the little crybaby boy who everyone made fun of_. I'm still that little boy. I haven't really changed all that much, just like Oz said. I haven't grown up much at all. I'm still a scared, immature little kid_.

Gilbert splashed water on his face and dried it, then blew his nose on a hanky. He went over to the window and looked outside. He saw Break and Sharon out on the lawn having a little picnic. Break was smiling widely and seemed to be enjoying Sharon's company. He felt a twinge of jealousy and his stomach tensed up. _I'm never going to be the sort of person who is comfortable joining these little tea parties._

He sighed deeply and walked away from the window, toward his closet._ My world revolves around Oz…taking care of him, making sure he's alright. Break's world revolves around…I don't even know. I don't even know what's important to him...finding the truth, supposedly. He says he lives only for himself, but his actions…sometimes I wonder. I suspect he cares about people more than he lets on._

He put on his coat and hat, and then examined himself in a full length mirror to see if it was obvious that he'd been crying. _I'm never going to be anyone besides me. I'm never going to be able to notice things as well as other people do. I'm never going to change, even if other people around me are changing._

He opened the door and stepped out into the hallway. _Break expected more from me…he thought I would notice his handicap and I didn't. I can't take back all the things I didn't say and notice, but at least…I can apologize. _

He closed the door behind him, walked down the hall, and stepped out into the light.

**END**

_Afterword: I had the beginning lines of dialog in my head, haunting me, keeping me awake at night. Then I saw this Kink meme request:_

"

Spoilers for Chapter 53.

"I understand that you're worried about Liam, but this is too much!"

"Don't you dare talk to me like you know me!"

So, Break slammed Gil pretty hard there, and he also revealed a little bit of himself.

I want to see Gil shattered as he realizes that he will never, ever be able to be there for Break because he's so preoccupied with Oz and still so immature; that even though he's supposedly been by Break's side for ten years, he hasn't really been there at all - and not just because Break wouldn't let anyone in. Basically, Gil angsting about how he's not grown up enough to give Break what he needs (but someone else is). Just as friends or romantically, I don't care.

I do not want a "speculation-about-upcoming-chapters" type fic and I do not want any sort of reference at all to what happened towards the end of Chapter 53. I just want a heartbroken, sort of jealous, emo Gilbert.

"

_So I set out to write it. Because I'm thrilled that someone else sees that whole scene similarly to the way I do. And I'm bummed by the occasional forum postings I see where people say that Break was a real jerk to Gil in ch 53, because I didn't see it that way at all. _

_Whether you agree or disagree, I'd love to hear your comments!_


End file.
